Invasion of the Helen Snatchers: Helen Thomas, Pod-Journalist

finefrockaby Steve Finefrock, founder Hollywood Conservative Forum

The first of the pod-people to emerge in the latest science-fiction thriller presenting itself in the capital city is Helen Thomas, the aged and addled onetime dean of reporters to the White House. While her ‘podcast’ is unlike earlier output – when she amazed all conservatives for her outlandish challenges to Bush – it is reassuring to the very conservatives who once blanched when she stood to be recognized.

This fictional Helen Thomas has asked the new El Presidente the most outrageous questions, now causing many journalists to boo her in unison – something they never did for her bizarre Bush bashing – due to such irritating challenges as the following unbelievable, unreal utterances:

“Mr. Presidente, are you keeping an enemies list? Confidential comments reported indicate there’s more Nixon and less Lincoln in your inner councils than you suggested in your campaign. Is this the new order you promised?”

“Mr. Obama, isn’t it presumptive to allow acolytes to brand your wife as Jackie O, version 2-point-oh? That’s reaching rather high now, isn’t it, to pretend you, or your wife, or your children, are remotely comparable to the Kennedy family?”

“Sir, aren’t you spending enormous sums on polling, even before the ninety day mark of your supposedly “new” type of leadership? Leadership, not polling, was your promise, and we see huge funds expended which might better go to helping the homeless or recovering veterans?”

“Will Afghanistan be your Stupidstan?”

“Just how can your defenders have attacked the Bush White House for irresponsible spending, and you trump that same debt by several times? Isn’t that hypocritical? Aren’t you just another politician, like so many others, as Carter promised he’d never lie, yet he did – and Bush-41 said read my lips, but he gave us new taxes?”

You can hear the hoots, eh? Journalists aghast at this poddish Helen being so brash to Obama The One – OTO – in a manner she aimed at Bush . Some guess she will soon be shunned by fellow reporters. All journalists of all stripes – save for the Washington Times and the Examiner – feel shame at her misbegotten misbehavior. The lack of respect for the Presidency is causing discomfort, even nausea, among those who merely looked the other way when pre-pod Helen Thomas eviscerated Tony Snow and Dana Perino.

Among pod-journalist Helen Thomas’ other breaches of journalistic courtesy to a presidential setting:

“As you apologize for America being brazen and brash, when will you apologize for the DNC characters like James Carville saying such outrageous insults? And apologize for politics-as-usual, the Old Politics, of scheming to trash Rush Limbaugh with secret conversations? Where’s the transparency? Where’s the new way of doing things?”

“As to transparency, why didn’t you give Americans a week to read the online version of the bailout bill? You bashed Congress for such rush to judgment, to get elected. And also, why did you bash Senator McCain for saying the economy’s fundamentals were strong, then said so yourself only recently? How did the fundamentals get so much stronger once you won the election?”

You can imagine the other insults which pod-Helen might utter, if this tale were true. And how outraged the journalists around her would suddenly become in contrast to their silence and non-judgmentalness during Bush days.

Of course, we have our “Helen” in many voices. Talk-radio, et al, puts some uncomfortable questions into the national debate about OTO the Pope. It would be fun if some potion could be put into Helen Thomas’ drinking water, to make her into a Rush-pod-Helen, and see how quickly the press corps would become belatedly embarrassed, and openly so, for her bizarre insulting remarks.

Next time Maddow and Olberman and Matthews and Carville and Begala whine about some outrageous talk-radio commentary, just let your mind imagine Helen Thomas, pre-pod era, asking similar questions to Snow or Perino.  Her voice, like the Wicked Witch of the East, would be so branded if she were in pod-journalist mode. Maybe a voice-converter needs to be attached to the audio circuit of Rush and Sean and Glenn and Laura, et al – a ‘Star Trek’ universal translator, to convert their voices to the Wicked Pod Journalist.

Then see if the lefty commentariat are offended. Put our questions into her voice, and bring the pod-Helen to life.

copyright 2009 Steve Finefrock

Finefrock is founder of Hollywood Forum, a speaker-bureau and panel-discussion vehicle to “Bring the Potomac to the Palisades” on issues that overlap politics and culture with the Hollywood film-TV influence on such national concerns. His scripts have addressed politics [including a TV series pilot/bible package about state political combat, called "A State of the Union"], hazardous materials [from twelve years in emergency management, including six years managing FEMA's Superfund curriculum for hazmat], terrorism, equestrian reincarnation, serial murderer killing journalists in the nation’s capitol, and fantasy about time-wasters. Finefrock is proprietor of PhoneBooth: The Smallest Space in Hollywood…

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