Tales of Henny Youngman

finefrockaby Steve Finefrock, founder Hollywood Conservative Forum

As Reagan campaigned for re-election, Leon Uris’ novelist pen gave us ‘The Haj” – a gift telling of Arab viciousness against Jews, Israel and their own brethren.  In its ‘Prelude’ set in 1922, we meet Ibrahim accepting his dying father’s symbolic jeweled dagger, a sign he must fight to become muktar: his village’s unchallenged leader. “They know the meaning of the dagger and the courage of the man who can drive it to the hilt,” notes the fading muktar.  As predicted, Ibrahim must challenge clan conspiracy after his father’s death, with a bold display of his courage and determination. Opponents convert to kissing his hand, declaring their loyalty.

“Ibrahim al Soukori was in his mid twenties and Muktar of Tabah, and he knew the power of the dagger in Arab life” concludes the introductory page, a quarter-century ago.  It holds insights useful today, including for Barack Hussein Obama, who seems to understand nothing of the world that faces us.

Uris knew well who is before us.

Ibrahim achieves one Muslim pillar, of a pilgrimage – a hajj – to Mecca, returning to be thus enriched with the honorific title of Haj, including that word above his home’s doorway.  The Haj has many sons, one being young Ishmael, who benefits from his mother’s manipulations – in a searing bit of family drama, she gets revenge for a young second wife displacing her authority, helping Ishmael find instruction to count and read. Thus he can carefully sniff out and document his much older brother’s conspiracy with an uncle to deprive Ibrahim of rents due from local peasants.

Ishmael blackmails his brother with this information, noting his latest tutorial: “So before I was nine I had learned the basic canon of Arab life. It was me against my brother; me and my brother against our father; my family against my cousins and the clan; the clan against the tribe; and the tribe against the word. And all of us against the infidel.” [ital. added]

And that’s us, dear reader – and dear, beloved President.

Older brother Jamil is imprisoned by an evil Farid Zyyad, who has clever ways of torturing his doomed victims. One treatment: “The victim was tied on a table and covered with a wet cloth. He was then pressed by a hot iron from foot to chest. By controlling the temperature of the iron, they could ensure that the resulting burns and infections increased only slightly with each pressing.”

For more persistent young rebels, Zyyad invokes his favorite technique: “They were simply wrapped each in heavy blanket, tied up, and laid out in the midday sun. When one passed out from heat prostration, he would be revived long enough to gain sufficient strength to be wrapped up once more.” Jamil got all this and more, losing all his teeth before the final insult, before return of his corpse to his troublesome father, Haj Ibrahim.

“Jamil was placed into a large burlap bag, six cats were thrown in with him, and the bag was sewn shut. When Farid Zyyad beat on the bag with a stick, the cats went berserk. He beat and beat until Jamil’s screams were no longer heard. The cats had eventually clawed through to the bone. Face, eyes, sexual parts had been ripped away. All that was left was a blood-soaked mass of flesh so torn it was unrecognizable.”

Thus the Haj finds his troublesome, nasty son is now a martyr, through the manipulations of Zyyad. Returning from a conference convened supposedly to achieve some peace with Israel, Haj Ibrahim is spent, for all his ‘brothers’ were merely spinning tales, wasting time, making the United Nations and nations of civility believe there was hope for Israel. Not to be. And an ally at the conference, Charles Maan, a Christian Arab targeted by Zyyad, is kidnapped, his body found near Ramallah [the HQ in later years of the PLO, sited inside the ‘Arab triangle’ north of Jerusalem].

“The assassins had shoved a three-inch pipe far up his rectum, placed several small diseased rats into the pipe, and forced them up into Maan’s intestines. His legs were tightly bound so the rats could not be disgorged.”  This comes near the novel’s end, banishing hope for peace and tranquility among a society with centuries of brutality as their everyday serving.

And you’ll note that none of these techniques will ever be portrayed on Western television, or the front pages of the NY Times, or Washington Post, or LA Times. Such brutality is somewhat nastier than waterboarding!

Imagine a clever TV ad, perhaps a video for viral distribution on the web, showing two newscasts: one on the left of how vile and brutal are we Americans, with waterboarding and making prisoners stack up naked, and standing hooded with arms outstretched. As these pictures flash by, the other frame on the right is – BLANK. For the news media blacks out the portrayal of the True Torture of our enemies.

In the quarter-century since Uris’ insights, we’ve engaged an enemy and the left thinks it is us. They believe we are the enemy of humanity. Rachel Maddow, Keith Olbermann, Chris Matthews, Robert Gibbs, Eugene Robinson, Maureen Dowd, Christopher Durang, Joan Walsh, Jon Stewart, Lawrence O’Donnell and all the other Usual Suspects believe we are the evil ones.  Their standard denotes ignorance of a great one-liner by the King of One-liners, Henny Youngman:

Someone asked me, How’s your wife? I replied, COMPARED TO WHAT!

How’s your torture, America? Compared to Zyyad!  A fictional character, but emblematic of that which is standard fare in the fair of evil that confronts us. Rats up your ass? Yeah, how about that Rachel! Acid in the eyes, Chris?

One true-crime technique used by Saddam Hussein was to torture suspected traitors’ children, with the kids’ suffering out of sight in another cell, but within hearing of the parents, subjected to their beloved offsprings’ screams and sobbing. Soon, the parents broke and gave up whatever secrets sought by Hussein ibn Zyyad.  [For the legions of unlearned about this subject, who nevertheless have greatly expanded emotional opinions, the word ‘ibn’ means “son of” in Arabic. See, you learned something, Olbermann – or, did you really?]

“The Haj” clearly has never been read by Obama, or Hillary, or Billy, or the rest of the Robert Gibbs’ clan of ignoramuses pretending to be adults. As they hold America up to a standard of perfection-only, before we can be judged as ‘good’ they forget the Henny Youngman Rule: COMPARED TO WHAT?

When the media can portray their ‘torture’ as readily, regularly and eagerly on screen – often, daily, in saturation – in on-screen representations to America, with the same saturation as given the naked prisoners, hooded ‘victim’ standing with arms outstretched, and waterboarding, THEN we will see America learn what is before us.

Once, it was asserted that journalists printed ‘all the news that’s fit to print’ – but it prints only the news that fits their agenda. Showing how the Henny Youngman Rule works in the Real World of Hussein ibn Zyyad would rob the media of its mission to make America behave according to the wimpish believes of their Anointed One.

For the first picture to put on ABC, CBS, NBC, MSNBC, PBS, and CNN screens’ right-side portrayal of torture would be the readily-available beheading of Richard Jewell. But, nope, won’t see it – even replaying the collapsing of the Twin Towers is verboten at these sources of ‘information’ that is fit, or not fit, to print or broadcast. Americans jumping to their death? Molten aluminum slurping out of the upper floors like shiny water? Too ghastly – but we can show waterboarding day in and day out.

Some journalist may ask Gibbs if anyone on El Presidente’s staff has read “The Haj” in its entirety. It is an insightful, if fictional, account of this world – which comports with the dozens of other non-fiction books and articles I’ve examined the past four years. Indeed, it’s likely my humble grasp of Islam’s beliefs and aspirations exceed those of most presidential staffers. How many, including Gibbs, know which Rightly-guided Caliph conquered Jerusalem? Which Caliph fled Mecca alongside the Prophet, the two hiding in a cave for three days until proceeding to Medina? Why did the Prophet flee in the middle of the night? Which Caliph was father to the famed ‘child bride’ and what role did she play in the Sunni-Shia split?

The ignorance of the left on these subjects is enormous, even ginormous, a googol of stupidity. [a googol is the numeral ‘1’ followed by one hundred zeros.] For those not inclined to venture deeply into the realms that I’ve explored, reading “The Haj” is a good primer. The excerpts above are but a taste of the history, and hysterics, which preceded the May 3rd announcement in 1948 of Israel’s independence. Its 566 pages are good for your soul, and good for understanding exactly why Barack Hussein Obama is an idiot.

And what fight lies ahead.  Find a copy – library, or used-books via Amazon, etc. – and start reading “The Haj” as your commitment, perhaps opening it on Israel’s birthday, to that first page, the Prelude. And if your well-heeled enough, and feeling brash, buy a second copy, and send it to the White House, 1600 Penn Ave, Washington, D.C.

For there often is more truth in fiction than in the truth – especially from this White House. Which should be beet-red, from blushing for its embarrassing shame of lying and cheating, stealing the truth, apologizing to such vile creatures as symbolized by so many, many Hussein bin Zyadds throughout the world.

Barack is more irritated by waterboarding under controlled conditions – as is John McCain – than rats up the ass, and cats in a bag, and ironing boarding a victim.

If asked, my suspicion is that a reincarnated Henny Youngman would prefer waterboarding to the ironing board.  Find who our enemies are, what true ‘torture’ is by making your gifting this coming birthday of Israel the novel, “The Haj” – maybe send a copy to John McCain and Rachel Maddow. They need to meet people who know how to drive a dagger to the hilt. Without mercy. And are clever enough to use cats, rats and perhaps even bats on their chosen enemies. Which are often their own kith and kin – never mind Jews and Americans.

And fear not the waterboarding which so animates their self-righteous outrage. For you must remember, Rachel and Keith and Chris: WE ARE THE INFIDEL.

Which will it be, Cats or Rats?

copyright 2009 Steve Finefrock

Finefrock is founder of Hollywood Forum, a speaker-bureau and panel-discussion vehicle to “Bring the Potomac to the Palisades” on issues that overlap politics and culture with the Hollywood film-TV influence on such national concerns. His scripts have addressed politics [including a TV series pilot/bible package about state political combat, called “A State of the Union”], hazardous materials [from twelve years in emergency management, including six years managing FEMA’s Superfund curriculum for hazmat], terrorism, equestrian reincarnation, serial murderer killing journalists in the nation’s capitol, and fantasy about time-wasters. Finefrock is proprietor of PhoneBooth: The Smallest Space in Hollywood…


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